


Agape

by orphan_account



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hurt No Comfort, Introspective Castiel (Supernatural), M/M, Post-Finale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-19
Updated: 2020-08-19
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:13:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25982650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Dean sacrificed himself for the greatest good, once again. Castiel deals with grief.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 6
Kudos: 23





	Agape

**Author's Note:**

> HI, this is my first 1000+ fic so I'm pretty excited. I tried to correct all the typos I could find so I'm sorry if you find more :(((  
> anyway, enjoy! or be sad...I guess??

"It's okay.”

"Cas look, look at me.”

"I’m okay, see? Nothing to worry about.”

"...see you then.”

Everything goes dark.

\----------

Cas knows deep down that this feeling will never go away, he knows that his love for Dean will never go away. 

Some days he's lucky enough that the image of Dean is barely there, and other days - most days - he's not so lucky, he just can't stop thinking about it. 

Some days he blames himself, some other days Dean, others all he can do is blaming everything.

But one thing will never change, he loves Dean with the same crushing passion as the day he laid his hand on him. 

The righteous man, the man he was supposed to fall for, and he did, in more ways than he was allowed to. 

But he doesn't regret it, not now, not ever.

Now Chuck is long gone, it almost feel like a memory from another life. It's been years since he was defeated.  
Years without supernatural creatures to worry about, just a normal life.

The life Dean Winchester always wanted but will never get to live.

\----------

Dean sacrificed his life for the world, once again, this time for good.

On November the 19th, 2020 Chuck was an imminent threat, and for the first time, after years they really didn't have a choice. 

"You always have a choice" 

"No, not this time"

They tried, oh- they tried so hard, it was unimaginable for them, not having a choice? no, that's wasn't something they were used to, they were the men who saved the world.

That's what they did, that was what they were supposed to do! 

Castiel only felt that helpless one time before, when he was human. He spent countless hours weighting their possibilities and possible course of actions but any of them sticked.

There was only one solution. One that meant dying, sacrificing. He was ready to do it, he was ready! He was the least important, the least experienced hunter

But Dean wouldn't hear that, they talked to him, they begged him, Cas begged him! 

The man wouldn't listen to him, he was to blinded by his selfless soul.

And so dean did it, he died for the greatest good.

They defeated chuck, the supernatural world was defeated as well, Cas became human as every other angel.

It's been hard for everyone, for the first couple of years everyone had a hard time adjusting, no more hunts, no more monsters, demons....angels.

At first they stayed together, they were each other strength.

Then they just started arguing more and more untill they drifted apart, the pain and memories were too much to handle. 

Cas left the bunker (not for the first time while he was human), he slowly started to create himself a new life.

He found a really nice house to live by himself, but he felt empty and alone...he didn't live in the bunker anymore, always full of people day and night, but mostly, there was one person who wasn't with him, Dean.

For the first time, after ten years Dean wasn't coming back. you see, in the first couple of months after Dean's death they all tried to find a solution.

They thought, maybe, thanks to some old lore hid in the depths of the bunker library, an already forgotten spell could've found its use and saved dean, but, they soon discovered that there was no such thing. 

He would never forget the exact moment in which the former angel became really aware of something: that was the point of no return for them. It hit Castiel like a train. 

He was reading yet another dusty book when he realized that there was no God. No more God.

Lores wouldn't help anybody, the spells that had stayed by their side for years wouldn't mean anything in this new universe the had created.

Cas swore, in that moment he felt the earth shattering below his feet.

Days and then months passed and he still he couldn't imagine where his life would go without Dean.

It was the type of love that was stronger than anything.  
Cas was there since the beginning, he saw the the creation of many civilities, he loved humans, he spent endless hours watching them. He always thought they were the smartest creatures his father has ever created.

The will to evolve and discover new things was what really attracted Castiel.

Although he also found himself jealous over time, of human's will to love and to find love. 

He spent ages watching love blossom.

He saw silly and joyful love born from young and innocent souls, along with the kind of love that was meant to last decades. 

He witnessed too many people trying to find a word to summarize a concept, a feeling, an emotion that was more than love. Many have tried and many more almost succeded.

Castiel certainly had his preferences, he had found himself attached to two concepts, two words that described perfectly his feelings for Dean. They were ancient Greeks creations. His favourites.

The first one was Agape, it meant selfless and universal love, a love that went beyond the human understanding, something so hard to describe that it's been mostly used to define ones veneration for god.

The second one was Pragma. The love that was based on commitment and understanding. A love meant to last, to age.

Of course he never had the occasion to confide those things to dean, Cas knew deep down that the other man was aware of that, in a way, and that the love he so strongly felt was reciprocated.

However, Castiel soon enough understood that if there was just one thing that wasn't meant to be, it was them. 

It wasn't anyone fault, just circumstances and bad timing.

No matter what though, the bond they had went beyond anything they've ever encountered. 

Their love was so intense - they loved with a passion so strong it could've made the whole world implode.

When the world made him feel like suffocating, when the emotions and the heaviness of the resposabilities he brought on his back were too much, when he felt like e couldn't breathe. All he needed to do was find Dean's eyes and like an oxygen tank for a diver, it made him feel alive again.

Castiel felt like he was so close to combusts everytime their eyes met. Their connection was one of a kind.

Especially, after the purgatory's prayer, something switched between them, it felt like they were going forward but Dean....he still wasn't ready. and that's okay, they had time...until they didn't anymore.

An year passed and nothing had changed, Cas was alone, couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel still.

He wasn't living anymore...but that's when Sam contacted him, he made sure Cas was okay, when he wasn't okay either. 

They talked and talked and like a wave everything came to shore at once, every familiar feeling, every moment he thought he had forgotten came back.

After a year of complete silence from the people he most cared about finally something clicked.

They eventually decided to meet...since that moment, they started building the same friendship and brother-ship they had before, even closer.

Seeing the hunters familiar face again was finally it for Cas though, that was the first time he let himself cry, he cried so hard, cried until he had no left tears to shed.

Sam was there for Castiel, he spent hours listening to the former angel, he and Eileen took good care of him. They made sure he ate, drank and slept.

He was aware, it wasn't easy for them either, the entire family loved Dean of course, the only difference was: they had eachother, they relied one another.

Castiel had no one. 

They started a tradition after that, every year, on Dean's death's anniversary they would get all together, and they would celebrate him and the people they've lost during their life. 

Years went by, the pain went away for a while, no -- it didn't go away, Cas just learned how to cope with that, how to numb himself when the emotions were too much. 

It wasn't easy, perhaps he didn't want it to be easy, maybe he just wanted it to hurt, maybe he needed to feel like his heart was being ripped off his chest....he was the one who failed Dean after all. 

They could've found a solution, if only Cas had his full powers, if only he looked - he searched for a solution harder maybe, just maybe.

The hardest part of all of this was forgetting the little things though.

First it was dean's voice, he couldn't remember the deep tone that always made him feel chills down the spine.

He couldn't remember the way the hunter pronounced his name. The way Dean's mouth shaped the three simple letters of cas' name, the nickname that was oh so dear to him.

He forgot the way Dean's eyes crinkled when he smiled. 

When he closed his eyes all that he could see was a blurry face. 

\----------

Cas gathers all the strength he can and lifts his head a few inches, and weakly smiles. All around there's his family, they're all smiling at him. 

He's content, he has prepared himself for this moment, just a few more moments and everything will be alright.

He made a promise to Dean, Cas knows the hunter would've wanted him to live his life.

He didn't necessarily live his life fully, if he's being completely honest he barely lived. However he didn't give up on it either and that must mean something right?

He can feel it, he's starting to feel weaker and weaker, he can hear sobs in the distance but he's not sure he can trust his ears anymore. 

Castiel wants to comfort his family, he wants to let them know that it's okay, his time has come and that's fine. 

He can't, he's too fragile.

Cas tries to picture Dean's face in his mind one last time, he can't quite do it. But he's happy, finally happy. 

Dean-

Everything goes dark.


End file.
